Whose Life Do You Want To Live?
Raised by a single mother in a foreign country, I know first hand the definition of “sacrifice”. My parents divorced when I was a young kid and my mother made a conscious decision not to remarry until my sister and I were grown up and moved out of the house. Beautiful, intelligent, and full of life, my mother spent her best years raising us completely alone, struggling financially and emotionally to keep it all together.
Sacrificing myself and my happiness has been ingrained in me as well. For decades I’ve spent my life doing everything to please others – seeking approval from the outside rather than from within. I was the kid who got good grades and stayed out of trouble. My family and friends were impressed by my academic and professional accomplishments. I married the perfect guy at the perfect time (not too young, not too old). I made all the “right” choices in life which sounds great, right? Now I know I saw myself through the eyes of those around me rather than looking within. I have had to search for my point of view of my true self, or who I want to be.
But one can pretend, or live the life that’s been defined for you by your mother, father, brother or sister, society or anyone else, only for so long. Living inauthentically slowly eats away at your core until one day it comes bursting out, manifesting itself as rage, anger, anxiety, depression, and sadness. Usually an event or something triggers this outpouring, or awakening, and the need for the true self to be discovered comes forth.
So much of what I knew and what defined me changed during COVID. I lost friends, friendships, social outings stopped, I started working at home full time, and all the social norms that made my life so full vanished in an instant, leaving a great big void. The stillness and silence in my life also started to expose and give me time to start to reflect on what made me who I am today.
“The Wound Is The Place Where Light Enters”. – Rumi
You see, I realized that I defined myself as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend …. you get the idea. Then I started to wonder……But who am I? WHO AM I? a voice screamed inside. The sad truth was that I didn’t know. I simply couldn’t tell you. What do I love doing? And what do I love about myself? Do I even like myself….let alone love myself? All these questions and more arose within me as sadness, emptiness and insecurities over-took my well-being during the pandemic. I went from the happiest person, to the saddest person, as life events chipped away at me.
Being the great student and avid reader that I am, I went on a quest to find the answer. I read books like “Eat, Pray, Love” (don’t judge – I needed any sort of guidance). Then I proceeded to read books about spirituality. Finally, I thought I found the answers when I discovered affirmations and all of the techniques to stay positive and happy at all times. I repeated the mantras and affirmations religiously every morning. I ran, I walked, I prayed, I cried, I even sobbed, I meditated….yet the questions, sadness, emptiness and loneliness persisted. My MIND wasn’t giving me the answers I needed for the first time in my life.
Rumi said, “The wound is the place where light enters.” When nothing worked, that was my awakening. I knew there had to be another path towards finding my light. I realized I’d been going about this the wrong way.
What leads to true self-love — affirmations, or full self -awareness and acceptance?